Blueberry Baby Steps

I wanted to start this post by saying, "Today marks the beginning of a journey to a healthier life" but that wouldn't exactly be true. I've started this journey many times at high speeds with good intentions but it always stalled eventually and broke down. Eventually I'd find myself back in bad cycles spiraling out of control. Finally I found myself at the bottom in the midst of another journey. In everyone else's eyes they saw success, but in reality I could not feel like a bigger failure. I realized in my attempts to control every aspect of my life, I had completely lost control and I was just plain lost. I would be lying if I said after a few short weeks I had some big epiphany of letting go and saying fuck control. Unfortunately I'm always fighting for it, completely driven by the desire for it. I don't really know why. I guess somewhere in me I believe that if I have control then I can drive away the demons and the darkness that's plagued me for so so long. But I have to start trying to accept that that's bullshit. Control will not fix my problems any more than any other solution I've tried.
Though I have not come across something that will fix my pain, I have discovered many things that will not. I know now that being skinnier will not make me happy. Being with someone you deeply care about will not fix you, even if they can sometimes make you happy. Your friends and family, despite their many efforts and kind words, cannot even fix you. My fear is that maybe nothing will. No amount of talks or drugs or programs or diets will be enough and maybe this will kill me. But a wise person once said, "we all have to die from something". This is a hard fact to accept, but I've never been that afraid of death. It's always been life that has me scared. But I've decided to utilize my bizarre bravery in this department to try and live a life to the fullest despite what very well be my death sentence. If this is really what will kill me then so be it, but I'll be damned if I let it take me so fast. So this blog is the beginning of me making a decision to live and live well. I'm going to eat healthier but still enjoy chocolate. I'm going to workout more but enjoy lazy days watching movies. I'm going to work my ass off but accept I can't do everything. I'm going to stop making excuses and start trying things even if I fail at some of them. So here's to another new start and perhaps many more to come, because the important thing is that I always keep starting and keep trying. So here it goes....